Thursday, November 2, 2017

Open Journal: Secretly Suffering (Nobody Knows)

Today was my breaking point, these past couple of weeks have been so hard for me. It's been such a struggle mentally and emotionally. Today was the day where I felt like I broke, I felt as if I was having a mental breakdown, I couldn't smile today, I was so irritable and frustrated and angry with everything and everyone. The thing about it is no one would have ever known because I still put on a smile. I cannot tell you how empty I have been feeling these past weeks, how hurt and tired I have been. I cannot tell you how many times I questioned my existence and even had suicide cross my mind. No one would know if I wasn't typing it out right now, because I feel like I have to smile all the time. I don't want to bring people down with my problems but I'm willing to take on theirs. I don't want to inconvenience people with what I'm going through because someone might have it worse. So I'll say something along the line of, "I'm alright" or "I'll get over it" as I shrug my shoulders. At the end of the day praying to God with tears of pain running down my face while silently crying myself to sleep. The silent tears make the biggest splash.

Today was just not my day, I tried to have a  good day but I got tired of trying to be okay, I got tired of waiting until I was alone to cry and address what I'm really going through. I got tired of smiling because I'm Dyamond and I'm always happy. People view me as strong, and able to take on a lot, but sometimes it's all too much.  I came home tonight, out my phone on 'Do Not Disturb' got in bed and started watching a show. As I scrolled through twitter I came across a video titled, Secret Warfare (Suffering Under Pressure), now usually I would just school past and say I'll come back to it later, but tonight was different. I clicked on the video and began to listen as Bishop T.D. Jake began to speak and for eight minutes straight he talked about everything that I have been going through these past couple of weeks. He talked about everything I thought about today. It was as if he was speaking directly to me. I sat there in awe and watched the video twice. I have been praying all day trying to focus on God and not wanting anything to get in the way of Him. Not wanting to turn away from God no matter how bad I was hurting, no matter how empty I felt, or what I was going through. Because my heart longs for Him, even when it feels like it's breaking.



He said a few things that resonated with me so much, and sums up what I have been feeling these past weeks.

- We are dying while people look right at us and they cannot see.
- Sick of always being “on”
- The guilt of being under pressure
- The guilt from being tired and empty and beyond strength. 
- You know how to work better than you know how to cry for help
- It’s not that they don’t love me it’s that people could never imagine that I would be dying on the inside. 
- Secretly Suffering and wondering does anybody care

I share this for a couple of reasons the first being is, God will always show you that He is there. He will always pick you up when you are at your lowest point. I did not want to go to bible study tonight, I was not planning on going back on social media tonight but it led me to something that would heal me and set me free. Praying has never been so hard but even though I didn't know what to say even though I stopped and started a million times today, I still prayed and He heard it. God is always watching us, He's got us. Sometimes we feel alone and think no one is there, but God is always there. 
The second reason I share this is because there are too many of us suffering in silence, because we always have to be "on", we have to hold it together because we are somebody's hero. Hero's suffer too.

Dyamond J. 

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Today in Racism

I've talked about this event and race relations in general a lot. But I must say, I've been very angry and very sad about what has been going on in this country. But what I'm feeling right now, this is hurt. My heart is literally aching, because I feel like I'm watching videos of my grandparents, great-grandparents and ancestors. The same people whose backs this country was built on, the same people who raised them. The people who fought to have rights in a country that never viewed them as human. It looks like something straight out of the 60's, and that's what breaks my heart so much. None of these people who claim to be "nazi's", and white supremacist, none of their mindsets have changed. They cannot grow mentally because they are stuck in one place. They cannot grow intellectually because their entire "belief system" is based on cowardice, delusional thinking, and hallucinations. They see through the filters of hate and have no compassion for human life. They exhibit behaviors of a sociopath. Christopher Cantrell is the biggest coward of them all, a disgusting human being. You brought shields, helmets, guns, and knives to a "peaceful" protest! Grow up and stop whining about not being first anymore.You looked like lacrosse and hockey players who really have dreams of being in the army but they never come true. You looked like you were going to play pirate ship in the backyard with your imaginary friends. In other words, you looked very dumb in those party city costumes, with your culture appropriating tiki torches. 
Second, for the white people who are standing with us, (by us I mean, blacks, hispanics, and Jewish people), we appreciate you. We appreciate that you have actually allowed yourself to grow and mature. But please do not act out in violence because only the black community will get slack for it. We will be called thugs and have our mugshots put all over the news as if we are the aggressors. So please, just stand with us, and stand with what we as a people represent. 
To the cops of Charlottesville, you had a job and you failed.
Also please stop telling us not to be angry, especially if you don't know what it's like to walk around not knowing if someone will flip out on you or threaten to kill you just because they don't like the color of your skin. I mean, it's not me you hate, it my skin tone. Maybe you're jealous of the melanin, sick of these sunburns. Please don't say you understand if your white privilege gives you a pass. Please stop telling us how to react as our country turns more and more against us everyday. When our President would rather overlook the death of a young woman and blame "both sides" as not to offend the cowards (aka neo-nazis, kkk, white supremacists). Please stop telling us how we should feel and start focusing on why we will feel this way. As for you white supremacists, I'll say it again, we are not our grandparents. We might be hurt, but if there's anything our parents and grandparents taught us, it's ... we don't fear cowards


Pause
-22:05

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Unapologetically Black: I'm Here!

I have been hearing a lot about representation in Hollywood and the entertainment industry, as an actress this struck something within me, because I can identify with the struggles people of color face as performers. We need equal representation throughout every outlet not jus the entertainment industry but everywhere, People ay ask why it is important to us, or why we push it so hard. We live in a world that held people of color down so long that once we got a leg up we celebrated with every ounce of our being. We have been oppressed by this country for so long, we have been pushed under the terrain. We have been told that we cannot do things because of the melanin in our skin, not because we don't have the abilities or talent but because our skin is not fair enough. That's it, it's a color war, in a country that claims to see no color, color is the divider on a one way street.
When we talk about representation in the entertainment industry, we don't mean casting a "token black girl" in the name of diversity. Do not use us for immunity, we are not here for you to prove to everyone that you're not racist.  We are not satisfied with the roles we are getting, stop asking us to play slaves and maids, thugs, and loud ghetto people, drug dealers, or your token person of color. We are not satisfied with it. Just because you have a black man as a lead or supporting role but he's a drug dealer does not mean we are making progress, it means that all you see us as is a stereotype. Now lets dive into that conundrum.

BLACK PEOPLE ARE NOT STEREOTYPES! People have created this image of what it looks like to be a black or hispanic person. We are not what you think. We live our lives in a way that makes you uncomfortable, therefore you identify it as a stereotype. You create an image of a group of people that will make you feel better about yourself. Let me tell you now, if a group of people make you so uncomfortable just by being themselves, there's a great chance your racist. All we do is be ourselves, live our lives, enjoying and sharing our culture, which you find uncomfortable. So not only did you create the stereotype, you put us in a box and made assumptions about our character. Every black woman is not angry, bitter, and loud, stop trying to say we are. Every black boy or young man is not a thug, or drug dealer. Every hispanic person is not an immigrant, or rapist.

WE ARE INTELLIGENT.
It's sad that white people get surprised when they see people of color doing things they wouldn't "normally" do like graduating college, getting a PhD. Let me remind you that black women are the most educated women in the country. Yet, to a white man we're nothing but a black ghetto girl. Even when we show you who we really are, you take our culture and twist it into something inhumane because, once again,  you are uncomfortable with it. What is ghetto to you, is tradition, and culture to us. It is our black heritage, when we are proud of who we are that's when you start to get scared, when we start to love and support one another, when we start to build our own communities and no longer look at the white man for freedom, you isolate us because you can no longer contain us in the box. We're free but when we really start being free y'all get scared.

TAKE US OUT OF YOUR BOX, JUST LET US BE.
Back to representation, being born and growing up in the 90's I was blessed to see people on television, and in film that looked like me. I grew up watching shows like: Sister, Sister, Smart Guy, Fresh Prince, The Cosby Show, Martin, A Different World, Living Single, Moesha, The Parkers. Listening to artist like: Lauryn Hill, The Fugees, Jill Scott, Erika Badu, Sade, Stevie wonder, Tupac, Motown, Michael Jackson, All the Jacksons. Seeing films like Sister Act, Space Jam, Bad Boys, Wild Wild West, Coming to America, Poetic Justice. People like Will Smith, Whoopi Goldberg, Phylicia Rashad, Debbie Allen, Bill Cosby,  Martin Lawrence,  Eddie Murphy, Tia and Tamera, Raven, Jada Pickett, Queen Latifah, Lisa Bonet, Lenny Kravitz, Seeing Brandy as the first black Cinderella, Whitney Houston, Courtney B. Vance. Just to name a few. I started acting because I love the craft, but I started pursuing it because the people before me made it possible, the people before me struggled to get to where they are so the path would be a bit less bumpy for me. I am blessed to have been born in an era where I was represented in my craft, where black people were allowed to tell stories, not just the stories of slaves, and civil rights activists. But we told all kinds of stories. Stories where are doctor and a lawyer raised a family in Brooklyn Heights. A black family lived in Belair. A Prince coming to America for the first time. Love stories, comedies, real life stories, musicals like The Wiz. We saw black kids going to college, respecting their parents, and elders. Black men were;t feared as much as they are now, black women were portrayed as classy women, who carried themselves with respect. We were not forced to suppress our culture and heritage because someone was uncomfortable with it. Somewhere along the line that changed. Maybe we were starting to bask in that freedom of blackness a little too much, maybe the white community lost control, maybe we were getting "ahead of ourselves" in their eyes. We were too intelligent, too talented, too resourceful to our own people. We didn't limit ourselves to a black audience, we were gaining success everywhere. Somewhere along the line someone decided that our culture was ghetto, that all we are are thugs, and drug addicts, someone decided to put a limit on our success. Someone decided that being black meant to struggle. Yes we have struggled, and that has a part in defining what it means to be black, but that is not all it is. we were not always slaves. We are some of the first inventors, innovators, professionals, we were able to build something out of nothing. e educated ourselves when an entire country decided that we weren't worthy enough to even know how to spell our own name. We have marks all over this planet.  We built kingdoms, communities, and empires. They stopped teaching us our history in school, and now they tell children that slaves were immigrants who wanted to work for free.
They put a box over our talents and abilities, and picked us out when they needed a splash of diversity. Black men and women's hair became unprofessional, we had to out on a mask to get a job, we had to "act white" in order to get a simple desk job. The funny thing about it all is that, when we are professional, we are accused of trying to be white. We wear our natural hair it's ghetto, we straighten it, we'r trying to be white. When we speak a certain way, we're called ore's. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, EBONICS IS NOT A BLACK LANGUAGE. SPEAKING PROPER GRAMMAR AND INTELLIGENTLY DOES NOT MEAN ONE IS TRYING TO ACT WHITE! It means that we know how to speak.

Black people have become the national symbol for making a statement. What I mean by that is, a white director will cast a black person in order to make a statement. They will receive questions like, "What statement were you trying to make when casting a black actor to play this role?" the actor will receive questions like, "How was it, as a black man or woman playing this role?" WE ARE NOT HERE FOR YOU TO USE US TO MAKE A STATEMENT! People say that there are no roles for black people, what does that mean? You're telling me that a black woman couldn't be the lead in La la Land, or Bridesmaids, A black man could not play opposite Sandra Bullock in the Proposal? No what they're really saying is, these are roles that go outside the box of black actors, therefore they cannot play them. Everyone claims to have an open mind, but not everyone has an open mind. Why is everyone shocked that Taraji P. Henson could pull off a role like Kathryn Johnson. You claim to be open minded but when Michael B Jordan is cast to play Torch, Hollywood goes up in flames. We claim to be open minded but why is Whoopi Goldberg to only black woman to have an EGOT. Why is Viola Davis the only black woman to be nominated for 3 Oscars, but Meryl Streep has been nominated twenty times. Why are we hearing first black anything in 2017. Yet you claim that we are making progress. don't throw us a dry bone to try to shut us up.

We need representation for our young black boys and girls, for the generations coming up after us. We have entered an era where once again we are claiming our culture, we are dwelling in our roots. We no longer view ourselves as just descendants of slaves, no WE COME FROM KINGS AND QUEENS AND WE WILL ACT AS SUCH. We will conduct ourselves as royalty. We will live and enjoy our lives unapologetically. We are claiming who we are, from the biggest star in the business, to the littlest boy on the playground. Many people view our claims as just popular hashtags and sayings but that is not so, there's so much more, we believe it. We believe that our lives matter. We love seeing black boys in a joyous light, and black girls embrace who they are. We view ourselves in opposition to the stereotypes. Society knows who we are, but if they admit it, they are admitting that we are equal to them.

WE ARE UNAPOLOGETICALLY BLACK, we will no longer hide who we are. We will not let your stereotypes define us. We will not apologize for who we are. we're here and there's nothing you can do about it. We are black and beautiful and we are equal to every other man or woman out there, believe it or not. When we raise our fist we are declaring who we are and we will not be moved. We love our melanin, our black is beautiful we can't get enough of our natural hair. We are intelligent. We have broken the stereotypes, destroyed the boxes you put us in, we are free and we CANNOT BE TAMED.

Friday, February 10, 2017


I did this short film around the end of last year for and assignment with my friends. I've been wanting to release it for a while so here it is. I'm not acting in it, I did co-direct and come up with the concept along with my friend Aneelah. I also filmed and edited.
My goal is to release more original content, I just finished a script tonight, and I'm getting a team together so hopefully I can start on that soon. Just share and subscribe to my channel.

Open Journal: Discovery

This week has been weird, not in a bad way, but as I've said before I am in a very interesting place in my life. I feel as if I'm going through a change, and mindset is changing, and I'm starting to realize the flaws within myself and the advice I give others that I do not take. I'm not usually a person that focuses a lot of my energy on myself, I'm always pouring into others, and sometimes I tend to forget about myself. This week I have been sick but that has nothing to do with my emotional and mental state.
I feel like I've discovered so much about myself this week, about my craft, and about the opportunities that are lying right in front of me that I tend to overlook. I feel like I've reached a new height in my craft and understanding it a bit more, and I cannot put it all into words while writing. What I've learned about myself this week is that my fear and my kindness toward others is holding me back. Meaning that my heart is so big for people sometimes that I don;t take an opportunity because it could be better to I think it is for someone else. The field that I am going into is competitive and sometimes I'm going to be up against friends and people I care a lot about, but it doesn't make me a bad friend it just means that we want the same things and we both are going to go after it. Whatever happens we will still be friends after because that is how this business works, and we know that. Number two, I am so good at talking about things, and having ideas getting visions, and making plans but never moving forward. And trust me it is so hard to admit this, but it is so true and I cannot be this way. If I want this, I have to really work for it. I've experienced this before, if I want something bad enough and work hard as I can towards it, it will happen. But why can I apply this to every part of my life except the part that I want to succeed in the most?
Fear...
I think I want this so bad, that I'm afraid to take opportunities out of fear that they will not be the right one. I'm afraid to fall because I have invested so much, and sacrificed so much for this, that I CANNOT FAIL! I can't, not because I am incapable but because there is so much at stake. Which is ridiculous, because failure is a part of success, but I don't want to fall so hard that I don't get back up, because I've seen it and it sucks. However, at the same time I know that overtime I've been knocked down in my life I've gotten back up. I am constantly praying and asking God to provide opportunities and constantly overlooking what He has set in front of my face. Sometimes my dreams are so big that I forget that even the biggest stars and most successful people started off small.
So I'm realizing things about myself that I don't necessarily like and I have the power and ability to change. So that is what I am going to do. God did not give me a spirit of fear therefore I will not walk my life in fear.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

I'm Dyamond

Hey what's up everyone. My name is Dyamond, this is something new I am trying out. I don't really know where it's going or what to expect. But if you like what you see, hit that follow button. Find me on social media (IAmDyamondJ) and interact with me. We'll se where this goes.