Open Journal: Secretly Suffering (Nobody Knows)

Today was my breaking point, these past couple of weeks have been so hard for me. It's been such a struggle mentally and emotionally. Today was the day where I felt like I broke, I felt as if I was having a mental breakdown, I couldn't smile today, I was so irritable and frustrated and angry with everything and everyone. The thing about it is no one would have ever known because I still put on a smile. I cannot tell you how empty I have been feeling these past weeks, how hurt and tired I have been. I cannot tell you how many times I questioned my existence and even had suicide cross my mind. No one would know if I wasn't typing it out right now, because I feel like I have to smile all the time. I don't want to bring people down with my problems but I'm willing to take on theirs. I don't want to inconvenience people with what I'm going through because someone might have it worse. So I'll say something along the line of, "I'm alright" or "I'll get over it" as I shrug my shoulders. At the end of the day praying to God with tears of pain running down my face while silently crying myself to sleep. The silent tears make the biggest splash.

Today was just not my day, I tried to have a  good day but I got tired of trying to be okay, I got tired of waiting until I was alone to cry and address what I'm really going through. I got tired of smiling because I'm Dyamond and I'm always happy. People view me as strong, and able to take on a lot, but sometimes it's all too much.  I came home tonight, out my phone on 'Do Not Disturb' got in bed and started watching a show. As I scrolled through twitter I came across a video titled, Secret Warfare (Suffering Under Pressure), now usually I would just school past and say I'll come back to it later, but tonight was different. I clicked on the video and began to listen as Bishop T.D. Jake began to speak and for eight minutes straight he talked about everything that I have been going through these past couple of weeks. He talked about everything I thought about today. It was as if he was speaking directly to me. I sat there in awe and watched the video twice. I have been praying all day trying to focus on God and not wanting anything to get in the way of Him. Not wanting to turn away from God no matter how bad I was hurting, no matter how empty I felt, or what I was going through. Because my heart longs for Him, even when it feels like it's breaking.

He said a few things that resonated with me so much, and sums up what I have been feeling these past weeks.

- We are dying while people look right at us and they cannot see.

- Sick of always being “on”

- The guilt of being under pressure

- The guilt from being tired and empty and beyond strength. 

- You know how to work better than you know how to cry for help

- It’s not that they don’t love me it’s that people could never imagine that I would be dying on the inside. 

- Secretly Suffering and wondering does anybody care

I share this for a couple of reasons the first being is, God will always show you that He is there. He will always pick you up when you are at your lowest point. I did not want to go to bible study tonight, I was not planning on going back on social media tonight but it led me to something that would heal me and set me free. Praying has never been so hard but even though I didn't know what to say even though I stopped and started a million times today, I still prayed and He heard it. God is always watching us, He's got us. Sometimes we feel alone and think no one is there, but God is always there. 

The second reason I share this is because there are too many of us suffering in silence, because we always have to be "on", we have to hold it together because we are somebody's hero. Hero's suffer too.

Dyamond J.