This week has been weird, not in a bad way, but as I've said before I am in a very interesting place in my life. I feel as if I'm going through a change, and mindset is changing, and I'm starting to realize the flaws within myself and the advice I give others that I do not take. I'm not usually a person that focuses a lot of my energy on myself, I'm always pouring into others, and sometimes I tend to forget about myself. This week I have been sick but that has nothing to do with my emotional and mental state.
I feel like I've discovered so much about myself this week, about my craft, and about the opportunities that are lying right in front of me that I tend to overlook. I feel like I've reached a new height in my craft and understanding it a bit more, and I cannot put it all into words while writing. What I've learned about myself this week is that my fear and my kindness toward others is holding me back. Meaning that my heart is so big for people sometimes that I don;t take an opportunity because it could be better to I think it is for someone else. The field that I am going into is competitive and sometimes I'm going to be up against friends and people I care a lot about, but it doesn't make me a bad friend it just means that we want the same things and we both are going to go after it. Whatever happens we will still be friends after because that is how this business works, and we know that. Number two, I am so good at talking about things, and having ideas getting visions, and making plans but never moving forward. And trust me it is so hard to admit this, but it is so true and I cannot be this way. If I want this, I have to really work for it. I've experienced this before, if I want something bad enough and work hard as I can towards it, it will happen. But why can I apply this to every part of my life except the part that I want to succeed in the most?
Fear...
I think I want this so bad, that I'm afraid to take opportunities out of fear that they will not be the right one. I'm afraid to fall because I have invested so much, and sacrificed so much for this, that I CANNOT FAIL! I can't, not because I am incapable but because there is so much at stake. Which is ridiculous, because failure is a part of success, but I don't want to fall so hard that I don't get back up, because I've seen it and it sucks. However, at the same time I know that overtime I've been knocked down in my life I've gotten back up. I am constantly praying and asking God to provide opportunities and constantly overlooking what He has set in front of my face. Sometimes my dreams are so big that I forget that even the biggest stars and most successful people started off small.
So I'm realizing things about myself that I don't necessarily like and I have the power and ability to change. So that is what I am going to do. God did not give me a spirit of fear therefore I will not walk my life in fear.
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